All your GoldenEye are belong to us!
by GreenCat3
Summary: Kitty and Kitkat are bored one day, and jump into GoldenEye, Dora the Explorer style! Warning: Total insanity ensues. You have been warned... -Discontinued. Enjoy the crack.-
1. Land of the Overpriced Real Estate

**All your GoldenEye are belong to us!**

**By GreenCat3**

****

Yes, yes, precious, I have been frequenting the LotR section, but I'm…er, back. This is supposed to be a quasi-sequel to TaBA, 'cos I'm not finished. is a lazy bum

Disclaimer: We doesn't own GoldenEye, precious, no. We also doesn't own Trevelyan, but we wishes we did, precious. /gollum

Chapter 1: Land of the Overpriced Real Estate

            It was a very boring day in a very boring place. In short, a normal day in Falls Church, Virginia, "Land of the Overpriced Real Estate", as Kitty so amusingly called it.

            "Bored." Said Kitkat.

            "Bored bored." Replied Kitty.

            "Mega bored."

            "Uberly bored."

            "Bored times infinity."

            "Bored."

            And so the endless stretch of boredom continued, and not even DSF or the Neopets chat boards could fix it. Then, surprisingly, something happened.

            Kitkat got a good idea.

            "Let's go into a book."

            "What book?"

            "How about…Lord of the Rings?"

            Kitty paused. "Nah, already did it. Remember?"

            "Oh yeah." Kitkat grinned as fond memories came rushing back.

            Silence. Then, Kitty began browsing her bookshelf. "How about GoldenEye?"

            Kitkat's eyes lit up at that suggestion. "Yeah! But shouldn't we use the DVD instead? You're the only one with a copy of the book, and it's all tattered."

            Kitty just hugged the DVD to her. "My precious." She snarled. "Get yer own."

Kitkat ignored this little outburst and began being somewhat logical. "Now we can't just jump on it, we'll break it." Kitty looked horrified, as she was a very big GoldenEye fangirl. "Never fear," Kitkat added quickly, "I have an idea."

            "Do you think this will work, loon?"

            "It had better, otherwise I'ma smegging sue Dora the Explorer." Kitty grumbled. Naturally, since she had a darker complexion and was a bit of a Latina, she was Dora, and Kitkat was Boots.

            "Right…now what do we do?"

            "I dunno. Put the DVD in, I guess. Let's do something, this smegging shirt is pink, and it's small for me." The younger and slightly shorter one itched at the shirt. "Piiiiiiink…"

            "I'm the one covered in baby blue towels here." Kitkat grumbled, but slid the DVD into the slot anyway.

            "Cool. Now what?"

            "Stop asking questions."

            "Oh, I know." Kitty cleared her throat and started to sing (not very well mind you). "Come on, vamonos! Everybody, let's go! Come on, let's get to it!"

            After a nudge, Kitkat sang "I know that we can do it! Where are we going?"

            "GoldenEye!" Kitty replied without missing a beat. "Where are we going?"

            "GoldenEye! Where are we going?"

            "GoldenEye! Where are we going?"

            "GoldenEye!" They both yelled, and skipped around in circles. "Gol-den-Eye!"

            There was a pause. "Jump into the TV, foo'!" Kitty hissed.

            "You first, 'Dora'."

            Kitty mumbled something about the stupidity of the idea, leaped at the TV (no mean feat, as it was not a large TV), and…vanished. "Boots" shrugged, then followed.


	2. Who in the hell are you?

Chapter 2: Who in the hell are you?

Special thanks to Matthew Ceakin for my first. Review. EVAAAA! Well, first in a while anywhosles. Merci beaucup, and keep readin', 'cos it's only gonna get better!

            007 edged out of the car. He realized where he was. Statue Park. Wade had brought him here earlier, he remembered. It was quite creepy in the half-light of the crescent moon and dimly twinkling stars. Slowly threading his way among the shattered and broken relics, a strangely familiar voice calmly remarked, "Hello, James." If he were not the uber-collected 00 agent that he was at all times, he would have had a bit of a seizure. Just a little one. Even though he did freeze, quickly spin and point his gun towards the voice, and froze at what—at _who_—he saw.

            Alec Trevelyan, formerly 006, slowly stepped forward into the light, wearing a smirk and a quite painful-looking scar on his face.

            "Alec?" Bond asked slowly, feeling his heart sink.

            "Back from the dead. No longer just an anonymous star on the memorial wall at MI-6." He paused, seeing the stricken look on Bond's face. "What's the matter, James? No glib remark? No pithy comeback?"

            James could only gasp out "Why?"

            Alec laughed bitterly. "Hilarious question, particularly from you. Would you ever ask why? Why we toppled all those dictators, undermined all those regimes? Only to come home 'Well done! Good job, but sorry ol' boy! Everything you've risked your life and limb for has changed!'"

            "It was the job we were chosen for," Bond steeled himself, feeling that all his beliefs were going to end up on his shoes.

"Of course you'd say that." Alec sighed with an air of resignation. "James Bond, Her Majesty's loyal terrier. 'Defender of the so-called Faith'. Oh please, James, put it away," He indicated the gun. "It's insulting to think that I haven't anticipated your every move."

Bond lowered his arm, knowing that his old friend was right. "Yes…I trusted you, Alec."

"Trust. What a quaint idea." The slightly shorter man mused.

"How did the MI-6 screening miss that your parents were Lienz Cossacks?"

"Once again, your faith is misplaced. They knew. We're both orphans, James. While your parents had the luxury of dying in a climbing accident, mine survived the British betrayal and Stalin's execution squads. But my father couldn't let himself or my mother live with the shame of it. MI-6 figured I was too young to remember. And in one of life's little ironies, their son goes to work for the government who caused a father to kill himself and his wife." Trevelyan finished somberly.

            "Hence Janus." Bond nodded. "Two-faced Roman god come to life."

            Alec was mad now. "It wasn't God who gave me this face, it was you. Setting the timers for three minutes instead of six."

            "Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?" Bond asked incredulously.

            "No. You're supposed to die for me." Alec slowly turned away.

            "This is all very touching, truly it is. Honestly." If the two men had lived about eight years in the future they would have recognized the drawl as a Jack Sparrow impression, but as they didn't, they turned towards the voice, guns drawn.

            "Oopsie."

            There was the sound of a slap. "Nitwit."

            "Couldn't help it, _Boots_." A pause. "I believe it is safe to say that we are hoddaited and amullundated. Shall we reveal ourselves then?"

            "Well at least we're wearing our normal clothes, I'd feel a bit silly in what we were wearing before, ne?"

            "Yesyes. Rather."

            "Certainly."

            "Indubitably."

            "Uh-huh."

            "Nyork. I think they're getting annoyed." It was true; the two men were beginning to question the brilliance of their idea.

            "Oh, _auta miqula orqu_, loon."

            "Orcs are all ucky. I would much rather kill them than kiss them. Now Boro…" The sound of fangirlish drooling was heard.

The once-friends both asked "Who in the hell are you?", then looked horrified at having the same thought.

"Hoom! Do not be hasty." One said in a very Entish manner. A white washcloth was taken out of a pocket and tied to a stick.

"Shoot us not, please. We are unarmed, except for our sharp wits and…stuff. Yes." The shorter one said, standing up and waving the makeshift flag.

"Mae govannen, mellryn nin." The blond one bowed.

"Twit, you just said 'Well met, my mallorn trees.' It's 'Mae govannen, _mellyn_ nin', not _mellryn_."

            "Oh yeah. Ehehe. I remember when we said that in front of Haldir once and he went berserk."

            "It's still cool, though."

            "So 'tis." They both noticed that the two men were looking at them like they were from Mars. "Uh, hi. I don't believe we've met…"

            "To restate what I asked earlier, who in the hell are you?" Alec asked.

            The dark-haired one looked at her partner in madness. "Should we do it Team Rocket style?"

            "Why in the name of the almighty Sean Bean would you ask me that? Of course we should!"

            "I dunno, it might scare them."

            "Okay, okay." The blond one sighed. "Hi, I'm Kitkat. Kitkat the Uber Gecko. I like horses."

            "And I am Kitty, the Outcast of MI-oh bugger all." Kitty stopped mid-title, as she was in _exactly_ the wrong continuum at _exactly_ the wrong time with _exactly_ the wrong people to finish.

            "No, no, do go on." Bond said pleasantly. "The Outcast of MI-what?"

            Kitty gulped. Holy Valar, she was in trouble. "The Outcast of MI-6."

            Bond raised an eyebrow. "Interesting."

            "It's only a stupid title I made up, doesn't mean anything." _Oh smeg, I revealed the title I based on Trev-san in front of him, smegohsmegohsmeg…_ she thought.

            "And who might you gentlemen be, oh ones-who-are-holding-the-guns-that-are-very-painful?" Kitkat asked to divert attention from her friend.

            "Why should we tell you?" Bond again.

            "Eternal skepticism of the mad British mind." Kitty observed.

            "She's got you there." Alec smirked.

            "Who asked you?"

            "We did. Hey, at least we told you _our_ names."

            Bond smiled disarmingly. "I suppose it would be unchivalrous…Bond, James Bond."

            "Alec Trevelyan."

            Kitty smacked Kitkat a high-five. "What did I tell you? I WEEEEEEN! I was RIGHT!"

            "Right about what?"

            "Nothing in particular. And now, back to your regularly scheduled verbal torrent."

            "Oh, and by the way, I did think of asking you to join my little scheme, but somehow I knew, 007's loyalty was always to the mission, never to his friends." Alec walked off. Bond raised his gun, but was tranqued by a sniper.

            Alec slowly meandered back towards his old friend. "For England, James."

            "COOL!" Kitty yelped. "So, uh, can we follow you around? Please?"

            "Why? You'll probably get killed." Alec asked bemusedly.

            "Because we want to and we have nothing better to do. Oh, and the fact that we think that you're uberly-cool." Kitkat nodded sagely.

            "Do I _know_ you or something?"

            "No."

            "Ah."


	3. Exploding trains, pocket space, plothole...

Chapter 3: Exploding trains, pocket space, plotholes, and fun with colors!

Disclaimer: I don't own lots of stuff, but particularly not the wonderful and talented actor Sean Bean, the Description!Character format, urple, mini-Balrogs, the PPC, OFUM, or wilver. Kitkat owns Kalan and she invented bleen and its description ("like a poem where a line's just slightly out of meter and it drives you crazy"). I own OFUBPD, mini-Characters, my copy of _How To Be A Villain_ by Neil Zawacki, and Loki, as well as the Darth Train theme song, however I didn't coin the phrase "Darth Train". Oh look mom, a run-on sentence! Cheers, and enjoy the fic.

            "So." Alec glared at Kitkat.

            "So." She stared right back.

            "So."

            "So."

            "So."

            "So."

            "I'm hungry." Kitty jumped up and down on the packed dirt ground as her stomach growled.

            "Okay, okay." Alec fiddled with a small keypad, and the door of the depot opened to the outside, where an incredibly cool train lay on the tracks.

            "Darth Train!" Kitty began making lightsaber motions. "Tscheww, tscheww…"

            Alec just ignored that and unlocked the train with a "beep beep" noise like a car.

            "Cooleth."

            Alec began to whisper. "Okay, now maybe if we go quietly enough, Xenia won't notice and-"

            "Too late." The aforementioned assassin stood in the doorway glaring at everyone's favorite Cossack.

            Alec cringed. "Busted."

            "Correct. Who are these…children?" Xenia asked.

            "We're insane." Kitkat smiled.

            "They could blow the whole thing!"

            "It's okay, we got Alec drunk and he told us the whole thing." Kitty stated calmly.

            "WHAT?!" Alec and Xenia exclaimed jointly.

            "There is no alcohol on my breath! See! NO ALCOHOL!"

            "I told you we should have just gone with the 'we're magicful' explanation." Kitkat muttered.

            "Yeah, whatever." Kitty seemed unafraid.

            "Loon."

            Kitty stuck out her tongue.

            If it were an anime continuum, the two canonicals would have sweatdropped. "Erm, yes, quite."

            "How do you know about the operation?" Alec asked; this being entirely new to him.

            "We're psycho."

            "Psychic?"

            "No, silly Trevelyan-type person. Psycho."

            Kitkat slapped Kitty. "Must you use that joke in EVERY fanfic?"

            "Yes." Seeing that the others had no clue what they were talking about, Kitty just said "Nevermind."

            Kitkat yawned. "Sleep for the Kitkat."

            "And for the Kitty too, double quicketh."

            Alec looked apologetically at Xenia and ushered the teenagers through the train to a spare room with a bunk bed.

            "Dibs on the top." Kitkat quickly blurted.

            "Fine, as long as you don't clutter MY bed with stuffed animals." Kitty growled. Trevelyan left them to their own devices.

            Thirty minutes later, he decided to check up on them. "Girls?" He asked, edging the door open and not noticing the "Keep Out: That means you, Alec," sign. "It's midni-oof!" He fell down as two identical black Kougra plushies by the names of Loki and Kalan hit him squarely in the head.

            "SOD OFF!"

            "Ow."

(.)(.)

            The next morning, the two semi-adopted girls staggered into the dining car, bleary-eyed. "Sleep good. Coffee now."

            "Why did you throw the plushies at me?" Alec glared.

            "We needed SLEEP, smart one." Kitty rolled her eyes. "And we were tired. VERY tired. Coffee now." She took a swig from a mug she had poured for herself. "Needs much sugar," she grumbled to nobody in particular.

            "Shut up, silly one." Kitkat gave her friend a playful shove.

            "I want to glomp teh Beany-z0r." Kitty muttered. "Teh glomp-z0rz of teh Beany-z0r is teh pwnage."

            "I hate it when you do that." Kitkat banged her head against the table repeatedly.

            "What-z0r? Tihs-z0r? Tihs is teh pwnz0rage." Kitty continued to speak in hax0r while Trevelyan looked confused. Hax0r was as good as an unbreakable code to them, for only the craziest and the newb-est could speak it, and Alec wasn't quite crazy enough. He would be in time, though, living with _these_ fine specimens of insanity.

            "Now if you're going to be living with us, then you're going to have to build up your urple resistance."

            "Urple?" Alec raised an eyebrow. Kitty just showed him a vial full of what looked like paint, in a pinkish-purple color of the worst possible combination. "Oh dear LORD, my freaking _eyeballs_…" Alec shielded his poor sensitive eyes.

            "Exactly. Now check out bleen." Kitty grimly presented him with another vial of a bluey-green substance. It wasn't as bad as urple, but just bad enough so that prolonged exposure could cause insanity and twitching.

            "You also have to resist urple prose." Kitty looked at the vial unhappily. "Well, here I go, get a wastebasket, Kitkat." She downed the urple. Suddenly her voice changed to a syrupy-sweet, sugar-dripping, honey-tongued, Umbridge-like song.

            "Oh Trevvy-wevvy," she crooned, as Kitkat mimed gagging (taking notes on reactions), "I pledge my undying love to thee and thy eyes as blue as the sky!"

            Alec sat stock-still, speechless. It didn't matter that his eyes were a storm-grey, not a brilliant sky-blue as Urplefied!Sueish!Kitty testified (if anyone can guess where the they're-grey-not-blue debate came from, you get a cookie), all that mattered was that she kept talking, for if she was quiet, all the color and laughter would fade from the world…she became the most beautiful thing in the world to his eyes.

            "Come, my love, we shall get married and live happily ever after forever!"

            "Okay…my love…" Trevelyan replied dazedly, entirely entranced. He couldn't take his eyes off her. "We will get married straight off. I will do anything for you. And…stuff."

            "That's enough out of you!" Trevelyan looked startled, apparently he had forgotten that Kitkat was even in the room, harsh as an old raven's her voice sounded in his ears after the music of Saruma-er, Kitty. (Channeling Tolkien…--;) Kitkat force-fed her friend some Ramen (yes, that early), the purity of the precious noodles forcing the evil urple out of her system. To put it simply, Kitty turned an interesting shade of bleen and pulled a Spence (what Sean Bean did in Ronin, i.e. puked) into the wastebasket.

            "Ugh, I feel horrible…" Kitty downed some Ramen.

            "Urple, when ingested, displays tendencies akin to; the voice of Saruman, veela, Sues (no surprise) and…Helen of Troy, but these only occur on focused targets. The cure depends on the person." Kitkat ticked off the sheet. "There's another memo for the SO…"

            Alec was still a bit dazed from his close encounter of the Sue kind, and said nothing, openmouthed.

            "You bear a remarkable resemblance to one Sean Miller, did you know that?" Kitty asked conversationally, no trace of the horrid urple remaining.

            "Eurgh, what _was_ that?" He finally ventured.

            "The closest thing to a Mary Sue I can stand without brutally murdering it," Kitkat said cheerfully, pulling a fudgy pop from pocket space. She blinked. "Whoa! Cool! Pocket space!"

            "Ooh, lemme try!" Kitty pulled a piece of toast from pocket space and spreading it with jam of the strawberry sort.

            "Interesting." Alec raised an eyebrow.

            Kitkat just happily continued licking her fudgy pop. "Fudge for Kitkat!"

(.)(.)

            At 10 am or so, Xenia emerged from her quarters and immediately began to boss the kids around. They had taught Trevelyan the wonders of second breakfast, and he was gladly setting forth. Then Ourumov and Natalya came in.

            Alec chose his words carefully. "Either you've brought me the perfect gift, General Ourumov, or you've made me a very unhappy man."

            The Russian only responded with "Mishkin got to them before I could", pulling out a flask nervously.

            "Bond is alive?"

            "He escaped," Ourumov drank a large gulp.

            "Good for Bond." Alec looked dangerously at his partner. "Bad for you."

             Natalya caught his eye and he began his (horribly misguided) attempt to be a gentleman. "Take a seat, my dear."

            A loud cough from a shadow sounded strangely like "Channeling Marik, are we?" Alec ignored it.

            Natalya, too scared to do anything else, obeyed. Alec began to circle her like a vulture.

            "You know, James and I shared everything…absolutely everything." He brushed a loose strand of hair from her face. "To the victor go the spoils."

            At that point, Bond's T55 had trundled up onto the tracks and awaited the train.

            "You'll like it where we're going. You may even learn to like me…" Alec tried to kiss Natalya, but two figures with spray bottles squirted him. They were, of course, Kitty and Kitkat.

            "OW! YOU GOT IT IN MY SMEGGING EYE!" Alec rubbed his eye, biting back some Polish curses. "I commend you on your impeccable aim, then. Jeez, what did you use?"

            "A secret blend of lemon, lime, water, hot sauce, and a few drops of urple and bleen!" the kids chorused, pleased with themselves.

            Natalya just watched this spectacle, highly amused. Then the driver spotted the tank and sounded the alarm.

            "Stay with her!" The Cossack spat at Ourumov. His two shadows and Xenia followed.

            Trevelyan inspected a monitor that displayed Bond's tank and sighed. "Bond. Only Bond."

            "He's going to derail us…" Xenia said breathlessly.

            Alec ran to a walkie-talkie and yelled at the conductor. "Ram him!"

            "What?" The conductor asked in Russian, believing that his boss had entirely snapped (which was highly likely).

            "Full speed! Ram him!" Alec bellowed.

            A large explosion rocked the train, and the girls knew that Bond had fired the main gun, turning "Darth Train" into as speeding fireball of doom that looked quite spiffy.

            The train and the tank collided, shaking the cabin with the force of a small earthquake. Kitty and Kitkat were unfazed. "Whee! Again! Again!"

            Alec came to and tried to grab his gun, but a very familiar foot pinned it to the ground. Guess who…

            Alec looked up at the menacing figure. "Why can't you just be a good boy and die?" He asked exasperatedly.

            "You first," he replied stylishly, keeping the gun trained on his foe. "You, second." He indicated Xenia. "UP! On your feet."

            Trevelyan couldn't help but smirk. "Situation analysis: hopeless. You have no backup, no escape route. And I have the only bargaining chip."

            "Where is she?" Bond asked with steel in his voice. Alec switched on the intercom.

            "Ourumov, bring her in." He flicked it off carelessly. "Lovely girl," he remarked offhandedly to Bond. "Tastes like…strawberries."

            "I wouldn't know."

            "I would."

            "PLOTHOLE!" Suddenly, a large plothole appeared right under Alec. He yelped, cartoon-style, and fell through, rematerializing five feet away.

            "COOL!" Ignoring Bond, he jumped in again.

            "Stop that!" Kitty remonstrated Trevelyan. She picked up the plothole and put it in her jeans pocket. "I've got a plothole in me pocket." She said, Ringo-style.

            "What if it reproduces? Like tribbles?" Kitkat warned.

            "Then it does. And we now have nice wonderful portals." Kitty grinned smugly.

            "Um." Said Bond.

            "Oh. I forgot. Canon events." Kitty rolled her eyes.

            "Okay, yeah. I'll pretend I understood that." Alec said slowly.

            "Wise, my friend." Kitkat replied.

            Ourumov came in, holding a gun to Natalya's head. "So, we're back to where we started, James. The girl or the mission? Drop the gun, I'll let her live." Alec sneered, attempting to radiate sincerity.

            Ignoring Alec, Bond turned to Ourumov. "Ourumov, what has this Cossack promised you?"

            The general stared as Bond continued, raising his voice. "You knew, didn't you? He's a Lienz Cossack." He said matter-of-factly.

            "It's in the past," Alec snarled, not wanting to lose an ally.

            "He'll betray you!" Bond yelled. "Just like everyone else." The last bit was almost silent.

            "Is this true?" The Russian asked, disbelief in his voice.

            "What's true is that in 48 hours you and I will have more money than God." Trevelyan rounded on Bond. "And Mr. Bond here will have a small memorial service, with only Moneypenny and a few tearful restaurateurs in attendance. So, what's the choice, James? Two targets, time enough for only one shot. The girl or the mission?"

            Entirely bluffing, as he is a sucker for the ladies, Bond replied, "Kill her. She means nothing to me."

            "See you in hell, James." Alec nodded to Ourumov and quickly dashed off with Xenia.

            "I take that to mean that we should leave…" Kitty said and followed at warp factor five, dragging her duffel bag behind her as Kitkat did the same.

            At that moment, Bond spun around and shot Ourumov in the head, as usual choosing the girl over the mission. He then shot at where Alec had been, but the Cossack had been too swift. Armor plating clanged down, and he proceeded to attempt to find a chink.

            "One inch armor plating." Bond thought aloud.

            A tad bit peeved, Natalya replied with, "I'm fine, thank you very much."

            Outside, Alec was wondering how the girls had followed so quickly and asked as such. "Talent," was the only response he received.

            A few seconds later, as a helicopter popped out of the top of the train ("Ooooo," said the girls in amazement), Bond and Natalya were working furiously on getting out of the train. Natalya had figured out that they should try to spike Boris, and Bond had started pulling up carpet on the inside to use his uber-fantastical laser watch-type-thing while on the outside, Alec and Xenia got into the front seats of the chopper. Kitty and Kitkat were quite content to sit in the rather small cargo area.

            So content, in fact, that they started singing.

            "A-badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom, badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom, a-badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom, a-badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mush-mushroom, a-badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger-AAAAAAA SNAKE, A SNAKE! SNAKE, A SNAKE!  OOOH, IT'S A SNAKE! A-badger badger badger badger-"

            Back inside the train, Alec's voice came through the intercom, along with a snatch of the badger song. "Good luck with the floor, James. I set the timers for six minutes. The same six minutes you gave m-"

            "Badger badger badger badger mush-mushroom, a-badger badger badger badger…" Bond and Natalya momentarily paused and raised their eyebrows quizzically.

"-For the love of dramatic sequences, will you two shut UP?! Er, where was I? Oh yes. Anyway, timers set for six minutes you gave me, etcetera, etcetera . It was the least I could do for a friend." He laughed sinisterly, as you do.

A "scary bananas" in a false British accent was heard from the intercom, along with a loud sigh and something that sounded like Alec was looking for aspirin. The audio was cut.

            Natalya turned to Bond. "What does that mean?" she asked fearfully.

            "The six minute thing means that we have three minutes to get out, the other stuff…well, I dunno. That was just odd…" Bond said as he continued to maul the carpet.

            Alec looked at his watch. "I give them a minute and a half to leave, if that."

            "Stupid godplaying bakyaro that Bond is, he'll get out at the last second…" Kitty growled.

            "Mi wanna see teh purty expalosions!" Kitkat pouted as the smallish helicopter flew away to God-knows where, as neither the movie or the book covers that. Time for some good old-fashioned improv, wot wot!

            As predicted, Bond and Natalya escaped at the last second, after magically finding Boris and the Janus Base.

            "Damn." Alec muttered.

            "FIRE!" Kitty and Kitkat broke into a rendition of Trogdor as the two semi-sane people in the chopper just kind of stared and realized that they needed to pilot the thing.

Gasp, wheeze, choke. Longest. Chapter. Ever. Almost two-thirds of the current fanfic (9 out of 15 pages). Chapter three is finally done. Chapter four will be shortish and I expect this to have seven chapters. A sequel (or two or three) is in the works as we speak.

Thankies from all, i.e. Kitty (me that is) and Kitkat.


	4. God damn Customs

Chapter 4: God damn Customs

Thankies to Pheonix Master, Kitkat, Taiin and Anonymous fer reviewin'!

pirate Arr, anonymous, Kitty an' Kitkat be me…an' Kitkat, o'course. /pirate 

Jeez, what exactly is so uh…slash-y about Sean Bean that people want to write slash with his characters, like Bond/Trevelyan, Aragorn/Boromir, Legolas/Boromir, Frodo/Boromir, Everybloodyone else/Boromir…w00t National Treasure! I look forward to National Treasure-fic and dread it at the same time, because the slashers will pounce on poor Ian Howe (Sean Bean for the Sheffield-challenged)…

I wonder, would it be possible to have Don't Say A Word slash? Conrad/Koster…Oo EW! Oh my God, Bleeprin…that, friends, is bad slash. If that ever happens, let's just say me and Kitkat will have our hands full PPCing it.

Speaking of DSAW, the theological reference later in the chapter refers to , the funniest unintentionally funny site out there if you're not a Fundamentalist. Go on there and look for your favorite movie. Laugh at their idiocy as they call LotR a work of Satan. No, GoldenEye isn't up there, but maybe if they get enough emails from us it will be. Wish us luck!

Oh ja, I don't own Litchfield, Author, Cactus, Kate, Ruth, Mágelle, Ecru, or anything from Instant Classic by Brian Carroll. Or really anything in the chapter. Just have fun.

Warning: Slight TaBA spoilers ahead (even though it's not all down, I have a few assorted scenes and the basic plot, so don't kill me if I change my mind later and something in the fic is wrong. Shh!).

On with the fic!

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Kitkat, we just left forty seconds ago. Of course we're not there yet." Alec reasoned. Indeed, they had just left the exploded train in the chopper less than a minute before.

"…figgy pudding?" Kitty said randomly. She received no answer.

"Can we _please_ kill them?" Xenia asked, more than a touch of exasperation in her voice.

"No." Three voices said in unison.

"They're annoying, but we can't kill them, all right? They could help us kill Bond." Alec said in Russian.

Kitty recognized the language and replied in "Russian", "Vhat are you talking about, Keptin?"

"Ye wee silly lass, he's talkin' about us, ye ken." Kitkat replied in "Scottish". Both languages-or accents, rather-stemmed from watching too much Star Trek. "Why else whid he change the language he was speakin'?"

"To confuse us, maybe. But vhy on Earth vould he do a ting like that?" Kitty paused. "Do you keep wodka on this ting?"

If there's one thing to be said about Trevelyan, it's that he's always prepared. An hour and a half later, they arrived at an airfield. Understandably, the girls had gotten bored at that point and were in the process of re-enacting comic archives. They drew lots, and the first one they picked was Instant Classic.

"Sjoirtatra-ldiua e tijky wovchoir owled-mijajaja jajaja-_ja_." Recited Kitty, black-capped, pretending to be Litchfield the mad autistic…er, _artistic_ filmmaker. (Blame Kate for that one)

Alec was busy plugging his ears. "I don't need to know, I _don't_ need to know, lalalalala…"

They arrived at a rather marvy small jet that could put Air Force One to shame (Well, at least the one from Perfect Dark anyway). It bore no outward sign of its rather special occupants. As soon as they got in the plane and took off, (Xenia was piloting, and yes I know we are underdeveloping her but she's going to die in the next chapter or so, so it doesn't matter anyway) the helicopter that they had been in exploded, simply because everybloodything else in GoldenEye explodes at some point, a true example of Bond logic.

"Pretty fire!" Kitkat grinned.

"FourTEEN!" Kitty yelled, for no apparent reason.

"You both have serious problems," Alec stared out the window.

"So, what should we do?" Kitkat snapped back to sanity for a bit.

"We can teach Alec something." Kitty replied, also becoming faintly sane. "Like knitting! Ooh, wait, then we would have to pledge allegiance to Richard Sharpe on him as I left all me good Beany pics at home…"

"What in the name of Legolas' strawberry-scented bubble bath are you talking about?" Kitkat asked quizzically.

"Er, nevermind, something from Bagenders. We could teach him to crochet, but then we'd have to pledge allegiance to Ioan Gruffudd, and we can't do that, no precious."

"Well aside from that, none of us know how to knit _or_ crochet." Kitkat said logically.

Kitty's face fell. "Oh yeah."

"How about the finer points of smashing people's heads in while playing GTA 3?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Ooh, wait, we don't have a TV on board…" Kitty appeared to zone out and looked as if she were listening to something far away. This continued for several minutes, and Alec was really beginning to worry about her, when out of the blue, she said, "God says the movie _Don't Say A Word_ is evil."

Alec jumped. "Whoa! You can talk to God? Does that mean He exists?"

"Aside from Tolkien, I know no god. I don't know about anyone else. I just was mentally rereading a movie review by Fundamentalist Christians. 'Ooo, Koster kidnapped Jessie, that makes him BAD! But Nathan Conrad burying him alive is perfectly all right', precious….it makes us angry, it doessss…." Kitty bared her teeth and hissed in a Gollumish manner.

"What?"

"Nevermind. And some people I know think that you are as menacing as a Care Bear."

"That menacing, eh?" Alec pondered.

"No, I mean really, really horrendously ineffective. Like as menacing as a tribble."

"Wha?" Alec had momentarily gone stupid and forgotten about Star Trek.

"Bah, forget it." Kitty paused. "Is one of your skills 'fire combat'?"

"What, like firefighting?"

"I don't know, fire combat is all it said."

"All what said?"

Kitty got that far-off look again. "Websites…"

"Well, this is all very interesting," Kitkat said crossly, "but it still doesn't solve the problem of what we're going to teach Alec."

"Fire combat?" Kitty asked.

"We don't even know what that _is_." Kitkat rolled her eyes. "Maybe…" An evil grin spread across her face and she turned to Kitty. "D'you think so?"

"Ooh, yeah! Great idea, Kitkat!" Kitty's eyes lit up at the thought as she caught on to Kitkat's evil scheme. Then, to shake off suspicion, she grabbed a few strands of film out of pocket space and wiggled them around. "Film jellyfish…"

Alec simply raised one eyebrow. "Riiight. So what are you going to teach me then?"

"We are going to teach you…how to…play…" Kitty paused for effect.

Alec couldn't take the pressure anymore. "WHAT?" He exploded.

There was a loud "Whump" as a random Dance Dance Revolution machine appeared on the plane. "DDR! w00t!" She chose "Space: 1999 Funk 64" (a ten-minute long track, and thus very difficult) and began to play, humming along to the track.

"What is this new madness?" Alec asked, slightly concerned for his sanity, and faintly recognizing the underlying music theme and sound clips.

"Ah, I see that you know not of the Dance Dance Revolution. It is a very fun arcade game where you stomp arrows according to patterns on the screen. Try it!" Kitkat explained.

"All right." He gave in and started dancing to "Get Down Tonight" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band on another spontaneously generated machine. Eight hours later, Alec was the DDR master.

"Nap time." He simply said and fell asleep.

Xenia walked into the cabin. "Alec? We have a slight problem-"

"Shh!" Kitkat berated her. "Trevvy-san is sleeping."

Alec opened one eye. "No I'm not. What're you talking about?"

"Well, you _were_ sleeping!"

"Oh yeah, for about ten seconds there." He retorted.

"Did you know that the average human falls asleep in seven minutes?" Kitty asked.

Kitkat eyed her warily. "That was random."

"Yes. Yes it was."

Alec sat up. "So…what's the problem then?"

Kitty groaned. They had been diverted to the U.S., and on top of that, they had to go through Customs and Immigration before they were allowed to proceed to Cuba.

"Asshat." Alec grumbled. He hated Customs, Immigration, _and_ the bloody USA. "Asshat to the tenth power."

"Tell me about it." Kitkat muttered, already sick of Miami's international airport.

"Limeage." Kitty snacked on some Key Lime Buds that she had bought at one of the convenient airport shops.

"Well, _I _have my passport ready, how about you, Alec?" Xenia asked, brandishing her (fake) Russian passport.

"Here." Alec waved his (also fake) British passport, then stopped as a thought occurred to him. "Oh crap," He said, "The girls haven't _got_ passports."

"Sure, that's what you think." Kitty pulled an (also also fake) Australian passport from pocket space as Kitkat grabbed an (a fake passport once bit my sister) Icelandic one. Now, it was their turn.

"Hi," said the rather large security officer. "Can I see your passports, please?"

"Oh, sure." Alec passed him all their (no, really! She was carving her initials on the side of the passport with a sharpened interspace toothbrush…eh, right, fabricated) passports and awaited approval. After a moment, the rather large security officer grunted as he handed them their passports, which were all in perfect order, and waved them on.

Alec inwardly sighed with relief. He had some friends in many governments who had fabricated his, Xenia's, and Ourumov's passports, but since Ourumov had joined the choir invisible, his had exploded with "Darth Train". He didn't know _how_ the girls had managed to pull that off, and they weren't quite sure either.

They arrived at Customs a few minutes later, to be met with another rather large security officer.

"Are you transporting fruits or livestock of any sort?" He asked.

"Not to my knowledge," Alec replied, flashing the debonair smile that either he had picked up from Bond or vice versa (they had been constantly arguing over who invented it).

"Oh, really? Any firearms or weapons of any sort?"

Trevelyan laughed. "No, nothing like that." What he was thinking was along the lines of: /If I had any, do you think I would tell you, you fucking moron?/ Indeed, Alec had a Desert Eagle and a dagger in his carry-on, specially hidden and shielded with lead not to appear on any X-rays or metal detectors. He was sure that Xenia had done the same, and fervently hoped that the girls had possessed enough common sense to follow his lead. There were no weapons in their bags at all, just the GoldenEye controls.

The guard picked up the main control. "What's this?"

Kitkat came to the rescue. "That, dear sir, is a revolutionary new CD case. The CD contained within is comprised entirely of J-pop and techno…"

Said officer dropped the controls back in Kitkat's suitcase like a hot potato. "All right, everything's in order, you may go."

Once they had gotten back on the plane, Alec asked how Kitkat had known that J-pop and music like it would disinterest the guard.

"It was easy, all I had to do was remember the blokes from Falls Church, who really don't like anything multicultural or new. The guard seemed to be that type." She remarked offhandedly.

"Guh, whatever," Alec opened a bottle of rum. "Hmm, DDR while drunk…"

They arrived at the base in good time, even going by helicopter. Alec was sleeping, so he didn't mind their mode of transportation, because, for some reason yet unknown to everyone who hasn't seen the special features on the Fellowship of the Ring Extended Edition, he hated helicopters 1. Scared to death of the things. The only reason that he was so calm on their prior flight was that the aspirin he had taken was laced with a mild sedative. He stirred in his sleep and hummed something that sounded like Burning Heat, his best song on DDR.

"Quite talented, inne?" Kitty asked absently, staring out the window at the seemingly endless jungle below.

"I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in wo-oh, yeah." Kitkat had been listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. "How wonderful life is, now you're in the world…"

"This is the coolest trip ever. No, wait, Middle-earth was pretty cool."

"Okay, this is the coolest trip ever this month."

"Fair enough."

"Alec, Alec, wake up, we're here." Trevelyan awoke to Kitty gently shaking him and the sight of his wonderful base looming up above.

"Jet lag…DDR…exhaustion…sleep." He closed his eyes again. No matter how cool his base was, it couldn't beat sleep.

"Oh, let's wake him up, I don't feel like carrying him in." Kitkat grumbled. Apparently the jet lag was getting to her too. Kitty waved an alarm clock into being and buzzed it in Alec's ear.

"Huh? Wha? I'm awake, really." He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Mmf, what time is it?"

"Time is relative." Kitty said cryptically.

"Don't give me that Einstein bullshit."

"It's Einstein? Really? I thought those really ugly aliens in Space: 1999 said that. Anyway, it's seven pm here, but three in the morning in St. Petersburg." Kitty mentally calculated the time difference and marveled at her madd 1337 skillz.

"Ugh, I want to dieeee…" Alec blinked owlishly and massaged his temples.

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have had that fifth bottle of Brugal on the plane." Kitkat scolded.

"What's wrong with rum? I _like_ rum. Especially the Dominican kind." Kitty hugged him. She was part Dominican herself. And the Republica Dominicana was only one Caribbean Sea away.

"You alcoholic." Kitkat shook her head.

"I'm not."

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"You think _I'm_ bad, you should see how Bond drinks. Damn, I swear he had ten vodka martinis once…couldn't even walk, silly bugger. Had to help him back to his room. That was in '85, I think. We were in Barcelona." Alec recalled. "It was a pretty cool mission, actually. Had to assassinate a Columbian cartel leader."

"You know, if we hadn't _not_ manifested that TV, I would swear that came from Grand Theft Auto." Kitty rolled her eyes.

"What?"

"Never mind."

"Wait."

"What?"

"I just realized something." Alec said. "I don't know how to get in."

"Jump in and roll down the dish to the center and sneak in?"

"No, too Bond-like. There's got to be a normal entrance somewhere."

Xenia sighed and walked over to a clearly labeled door. "Maybe over here, you retards." She said exasperatedly. "God, and I wonder who's the brains around here."

"Shurrup. You're not…not…rummed up drunk …gin rummy…rumz0r…" Alec slurred. "I can't feel my teeth."

The next morning (or what I can only assume is, based on the movie as well as John Gardner's INCOMPREHENSIBLE version of GoldenEye), Alec was suffering from jet lag, as well as a rather large hangover that had been plaguing him for an hour and a half.

"G'morning." Kitty slapped a few sobriety pills into his hands. "Take three of these and call me in five minutes. They're sobriety pills."

"Wow, they make these?" He asked, swallowing the small capsules.

"No, _they_ don't. I do. Oh, by the way, they're not quite perfected yet and may have some side effects such as dry mouth, itchy rashes, death, and the inability to blink five times in a row and say 'piranha' without giggling insanely."

Alec choked. "Oh God! Death?"

"Try the piranha thing. If that happens, you don't die." Kitty said sensibly.

"One, two, three, four, five. Piranha-snerk. Heheheheh. Tee hee."

"That wasn't a fabricated reaction, was it?"

"Smeg, I hope not." Alec sighed. "Hey, my hangover's going away!"

Kitkat then decided to run into the main control room, waving a pair of old socks with Númenórean patterns woven into them. "Ph33r the socks!"

"Ai Valar, those aren't Boromir's _socks_, are they?" Kitty asked.

"Guess." Kitkat said happily. "I stole the sockses…" 2

"Somewhere, Boromir is waking up. And he is wondering where his favorite socks are. Put them back," Her friend warned. "Or bad thingses will happen. Involving Boromirs."

"Aww," Kitkat opened a small portal and dropped the socks in.

Meanwhile, in Gondor, Boromir looked on top of his journal that he had taken on his little journey with the Fellowship to find his favorite socks. "There you are," he grumbled. "But how did you get there? I specifically remember putting my socks over there…" He blinked as a quick image of nine strangely familiar, yet strangely…alien people flashed through his mind. That sort of thing seemed to happen increasingly often. He seemed to remember them interacting with himself and the rest of the Fellowship…then he blinked and the images and memories were gone.

Uh, anyway, back at the ranch, eh, Janus base…

1 As Sean Bean himself stated on said commentary…or was it special features? Meh, unimportant. He hates helicopters. So after I heard that, I watched the train scene in GoldenEye again, and just before the camera switches from the inside of the helicopter to the inside of the train, you can see a slightly uncomfortable look on Beany's face. Freakin' hilarious.

2 From an MST by Al's Waiter. Phoenix (a Sue) had a ring as powerful as Boromir's socks, according to Legolas. I put it in because I was reading it at the time. Free publicity for AW from me.


End file.
